Having some serious doubts about the project I'm overseeing. It's now just under a month before our first major deadline, and we are dreadfully short of our goal.
I organised a fundraising event the other day. Several of my committee members had other obligations and were unable to attend. Fair enough. Three of them said they might turn up (might as well've said no), and the remaining three said they would be there.
Some of the materials needed were supposed to be delivered at a set time before the event began. The individual in charge of turning up with these things holds a high-ranking position in our parent organisation, known for trustworthiness, promptness, and all of those lovely characteristics.
None of those were displayed in our interaction when they turned up nearly 90 minutes late. To make matters worse, only half of the items we needed showed up.
By this point, I was already a bit hot under the collar due to the fact that none of the folks who'd said they'd be there bothered to show up. There I was, on my own...well, just me and our guest. Beautiful.
Things went as smoothly as they could've gone with me running the entire show. It was incredibly stressful, irritating, and depressing.
With half an hour remaining in the event, in came strolling one of the committee members with whom I'd previously placed an immense amount of trust, and on whom I knew I could always depend. There was a brief, insincere apology. To their credit, they did step up and did their fair share after arriving.
There were some other horrors and blood pressure-elevating moments before all of this even, but the details are too intricate and frustrating to relay. Just know that I spent most of the day telling myself that that was it, that I was throwing in the towel, and that the whole damned thing was a foolish idea in the first place.
Still kind of feel that way, but as I'm settling in for bed this evening, I'm seeing things from a different perspective. Seems as though I've lost sight of the goal; why I started all of this in the first place. I can't wait to really get started with this! turned into I can't wait until this is over! in the last four months, and I'm kind of ashamed.
I wonder if I'll one day feel the same about medicine. A lot of people seem to end up feeling that way at one point or another, at least according to the med blogs I read. I suppose it's normal. I can't help but wonder if it might also be dangerous, however. I don't think I could ever forgive myself for a bad mistake with a patient whilst in a moment of internal selfishness. Selfishness is not a game I like to play.
So, onward and upward we go.