Sunday, March 27, 2011

Still struggling mightily with focusing on the positives things in life and downplaying the negatives... I don't know why, as the positives exceed the negatives by a wide margin.

I've been working on starting and ending each day putting myself in a peaceful state and making a list of five pleasant things in my life. I'm usually good for an hour or two in the morning, until I let one thing or another wreck it all. It's almost like I jump at the chance to be negative.

I got very jealous when some of my friends announced their acceptance into various medical schools. I don't really feel the life of an MD is the one for me anymore, but I'm somehow using it as a measure of accomplishment. I'm tremendously happy for them, don't get me wrong!

I have tried to examine the things I truly want and hope for and have compiled the following list. If I can accomplish these, I'll feel pretty good about things.

1. Marry the love of my life
2. Produce a few children
3. Golf every weekend, especially with my kids when they're old enough
4. Take my grandkids golfing often
5. Celebrate my 50-year wedding anniversary

And there you have it.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Halfway through another semester and I can hardly believe it. Soon, fall term will be rolling around again, and aside from biochem i&ii looming on the horizon, I'm pretty excited. There are some wonderful electives being offered and I'm thankful for the opportunity to take them!

Not sure if I've made mention of it in the past, but for most of last term and half of this one, I'd been seeing a therapist. It started out trying to cope with the academic issues I was facing and turned into a whole examination of my life. I've learned a lot, and am learning even more now that I've made the transition to group therapy. It's crazy. I actually really enjoy it and leave each time feeling like a million bucks.

One of the best things that has happened as a result of my seeking therapy is that I'm, for the very first time in my 28 years, exploring my self-worth. It's always been dependent on the reaction of others to me, but now I'm seeing that it's got to come from within.

Using this new-found love for myself, I hope to be better able to deal with the inevitable failures and hard times that lie ahead. All I've known to do until this point is to be hard on myself about whatever misfortune I was experiencing. I think this change will lead to a happier, less stressful existence. My relationships with others will surely benefit, and I'm very excited for that, as well.

There have been some young ladies in my life recently... Two simultaneously, to be specific. Heavy flirtation with both, but no dates... Yet. I like one better than the other, partly to do with physical appearance. She has blue eyes like you would not believe. The other woman is someone with whom I come into contact more frequently. She feels like the safer choice in a way, as in possibly more of the kind of girl for the long haul. I should be all over that. That's what I want... But I'm a little scared. Also a little excited by the relative air of excitement from the other one. Hmm.

Spring break is days away. Golfing will take priority over everything. Can't wait.

Hopefully I'll get back in the routine of this again and have a lot of good things to speak of. Time will tell!

Thursday, January 27, 2011


Hello again, world.

I spent my entire vacation barely thinking about academics and it felt so. incredibly. good. Whereas once I'd planned to spend the break slaving away for the MCAT, I instead found myself golfing often and at some beautiful courses that were brand-new to me. For the first 9 holes at one course, I was on track to break 80! I ended up falling back into terrible form on the back 9 and shot high 90s/low 100s. I also had my first hole-out, and it was out of a bunker from maybe 20 yards away!

I spent a week at my mom and step-dad's, almost every day of which was filled with highly enjoyable times with  my mom. I hadn't realised exactly how much I'd been missing her since coming to Big City University. It was amazing and I've spent each day since wishing I could go back and do it all over again. I sure do love my mama.

The time away from my flatmates was wonderful. One of the grad students had been driving me completely up the wall...unfortunately, we were only two or three weeks apart. Not nearly enough.  It never is. After less than a month since his return, I'm sickened at the sound of his laugh. Can you imagine, to be sickened at the sound of laughter? It's a disgraceful set of circumstances and I'm trying desperately to put a positive spin on it. Ugh, bottom line is, I absolutely cannot wait to have a place of my own. Just another year and a half... another year and a half...

I didn't see my friends back home once during the entire break, and this was a point of disappointment and sadness...especially bad was New Year's Eve. All day I'd been going through old VHS tapes with my mom, trying to figure out which were worth keeping. There were some old home movies from when I was a little kid...I was taken aback by how much my parents loved me and the things they did for me. That had me feeling a bit emotional, and then when I realised how happily my parents were getting along, I really had a hard time of it. I miss my parents being together. I miss my dad. I miss my dad a lot. I hardly get to talk to him and see him even less. A terrible wave of sadness crashed all around me.

I tried to contact my friends back home to hang out and get my mind off of all of this, but none of them answered my calls or texts...until 7 or 8 p.m., which was a bit too late to hit the road to see them. There had been a bit of an emergency earlier in the day and had only just then been sorted out. Understandable, but obviously disappointing.

The longer I sat there, the more I thought about my dad and how he must feel he's been viewed since the divorce. I felt absolutely awful. I began to feel awful for all of the unpleasant things I may have said to him in my youth. I felt awful about how things have panned out in his life since the divorce. I just felt awful and wanted to talk to him and tell him I love him. So I called, and I nearly cried at the sound of his voice. It was exactly the same as it was on the VHS tapes from over 20 years ago. Several times throughout the course of the conversation I was nearly reduced to tears, for no reason that he could possibly have detected. I tried to set up a time we could get together and hang out, but he was kind of wishy-washy about it. He did agree that we need to go golfing together sometime, though. I became extremely pleased with this prospect. We talked for a while longer, and when we hung up, I felt a bit better than before I called.

The rest of New Year's Eve was spent in the guest room at my mom's playing some video game and falling asleep before midnight. Hooray.

I haven't really shaken that sadness that I came upon on New Year's Eve. Like I said, I miss my parents, I miss my sister, I miss things they way they used to be... well, for the most part. I've also been really struggling with feeling like I've let my parents down by not applying to medical school this year. I know they'd be proud of me no matter what I did, but I wanted them to be really proud of me. It all goes back to feeling like a failure. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to amount to anything. I know that's not true completely, but for the things that really matter to me...

Ugh. Just ugh. I feel so incredibly sad. I never see my friends, hardly see my family, don't have a woman to love, don't have any money, don't have, don't have, don't have. I just want to go back to being a newborn and start all over, armed with the knowledge I have now. Boy, I sure would make the most of all those years at home with my parents. I'd make the most of a lot of things.

In happier news, my classes this term are going well and I like them all. B's should be easily within reach across the board. After this term, I just have summer classes and then the next academic year before graduation. The end is so, so close. It's going to feel so good to be finished (at long last) and look toward my next goal...especially when I'm doing it from the comfort of my own quiet and clean place.

This wasn't mean to be as depressing as it turned out to be, but I guess these were things that I had to get off of my chest. Can't say as though I feel much better having done so, and I've a mind to delete it all, but in the interest of creating a history to look back upon, it stays.