Rebound

Still feeling pretty upset about my academic situation, but at least I've been honest with myself this morning and accepted the fact that I knew it going to come to this for a while now. I was just in denial.

I've seriously explored changing my major. Again. Biology was never my strong suit and I don't know what possessed me to select a course of study that deals with its many intricacies. The only problem is that if I jump ship on my current degree, I'm essentially starting all over no matter what I pick. I can't afford (financially or emotionally) to start over, so I'm stuck.

Trying to accept the fact that I might fail one of my required courses. I can take it in the spring, but I don't know when I can take the second half of it...which means I might be in school an extra semester. Again, can't really afford it.

So, in a few minutes, I'm going to devote every waking hour to revision for that terrible class and pray that I make a high enough grade to scrape by. My, my. How my standards have fallen.

With the possibility of getting into medical school being equivalent to the likelihood of a white Christmas, I'm trying to refocus on a new target. PA school has always been second in line. I stand a fair chance for acceptance there, especially with good GRE scores. Maybe medical school can come later...if at all.

Other than that, however, I'm stumped. Graduate school isn't as appealing as it once was...perhaps with another area of focus, but certainly not this garbage.

This is a terrible position for someone like me to be in. I see doors closing left and right. The worst part about all of it is that I know I'm capable, and have demonstrated it time and time again in the past. The current run of things, however, leads any observer to believe quite the opposite.

Maybe I shouldn't worry about it anymore. Maybe I should just do what I can and see how things turn out, basically leaving it up to chance. Might be less stressful than what I've been doing.

At any rate, I'm going to hole up for the next 4 days, arming myself to the teeth with pointless knowledge to regurgitate in exchange for passing grades. Then, a whole month to relax and refocus.

Moving forward, moving on.

Good News, Bad News

Good news: I'll have my entire Christmas break to do with as I please. No MCAT prep!

Bad news: ...this means no medical school for me! I don't even think a school in the Caribbean would take me.

Back to square one. What the hell am I going to do with my life? I'm sick and tired of my major. I'm sick and tired of not performing at the level that I know that I can.

Sick and tired. Done. I'm done with it.

Obsession

A young lady mentioned to me long ago that she felt like I become easily and intensely obsessed with things, only to later move on in favour of something else. At the time, I didn't really accept this idea...but now I know it's true.

Within the last two years, my major obsessions have been golf, medicine, and certain musical artists. There have been loads of miniature love affairs, which last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. Most recently, the Bed Intruder song, as funny as it sounds, has been a tremendous draw for me. I was in the midst of studying for a series of exams and looked it up in a moment of desperation, needing a quick laugh. The result has been that I've listened to it several times a day since Saturday. I'm singing it over and over just about all day...just can't stop. During all of this, I was also obsessively watching clips from Mock the Week, as I mentioned earlier. I dropped that after a day or two.

Last year during Christmas break, I, for whatever reason, became intensely interested in football. Having never played a football video game before, I decided that I'd really enjoy owning a FIFA game for my xbox. I bought the latest edition, and sure enough, loved the tarnation out of it. I dropped it once classes resumed in January of this year. I had a brief revisiting during the World Cup. Several days ago, the idea to play it again hit me and it's been nonstop since. I've expanded it further by seeking out avenues by which I may watch actual games, despite not necessarily having the time to do so. Not sure if I'm going to let that stop me.

I remembered the other day, while watching Mock the Week, that I was intensely interested in Mortal Kombat video games at one time. I spent quite a lot of time memorising the button combinations that would perform specific moves for my favourite characters. Very clearly, I remember my mom saying, "If only you'd spend this much time and energy on your school work." I wasn't a bad student by any means at this time. Most of it came naturally and didn't require much study. My reply to her was something along the lines of, "Well, if my school work was this fun/interesting..." I've noticed that I'm not as excited to be at my current academic level as I was, say, a year ago. The material, especially molecular biology, is quite interesting, but studying it is tedious and uninteresting. I hate it. I'm bored by it... can't quite work out why. Maybe it's because I have to do it, whereas if I had the ability to do it at my leisure, I could be a molecular biology genius.

This is a problem. A big problem. I wonder what might happen if, by some miracle, I'm accepted into med school upon first applying. Will I burn out and be disinterested in learning the material just as quickly?

Hmm.

Things

• Haven't had to resort to studying in the bathroom since last weekend.
• Was below the curve again for one of my exams...oh, wonderful. Feel I did okay on the other; won't know until next week, maybe. One more to take next week.
• Won't know the results of my ADHD evaluation for three agonising weeks.
• I've taken to studying to the sounds of nature...found a bunch of mp3s of birds carrying on, ocean waves crashing, etc. It's quite lovely and almost makes me forget that I'm locked away indoors. Bird songs do wonders for my emotional state. haha
• Couldn't turn up for volunteering this week due to having been a bit under the weather in the latter half of the week.
• Rediscovered Mock the Week on Youtube and spent my last waking hour Thursday night watching clips of the "Things..." segment. Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis, and Milton Jones crack me up like few others can.
• Briefly, yet seriously, considered abandoning my current degree and taking back up with being an art major. Physics II is my last required class for med school, and I'll complete that in the spring. Oh, temptation. Money is a factor that severely inhibits my ability to jump ship. Only three semesters stand between me and graduation.
• Had a great time playing (getting destroyed in) FIFA on the xbox with my flatmates last night. Competition was fierce!
• I've begun organising my Christmas break schedule. I'll hopefully get in to shadow in the ER for the duration of the break. I'll begin my MCAT prep...and if finances allow, I'll take a wee roadtrip with my flatmates!

The end. heh

I'm here to cater to your needs, but only to a certain extent...

*Call bell*
Me: How can I help you?
Patient: Can you bring me some ice? ...A lot of ice?
 Me: Sure thing!

 I got a humongous mug full of ice and jaunted off down towards the patient's room.

When I entered, he and his family were very grateful. As I was leaving, I heard one of the visitors say, "On the rocks, please!"

I turned around and the patient had just opened a large bottle of rum.

I couldn't believe my eyes. He wouldn't give me the bottle, so the nurse had to go in and snatch it away from him. Unbelievable!

Connections

Had a rough day yesterday...one of those "Never gonna make it to med school" days. One of my flatmates provided some encouraging words that didn't sink it until lunchtime today. More on that in a bit.

For the first time since the beginning of the term, I understood precisely what was going on for about a 20 minute chunk of my molecular biology lecture. It was exactly the second wind I needed to ramp up my exam-prep.

After class, I went to take care of some small things around town and happened upon a gigantic antiques shop. I'm drawn to antiques shops like moth to flame. There is something so mysterious, charming, and worthy of praise about them... not much produced these days is built to last, so naturally, I value highly the longevity of these items.

As I wandered around from one aisle to the next, I saw all manner of trinkets, furniture, and books. If only I could take it all home with me. I decided that I'd let myself buy one item (or a combination of items, not to exceed $20 in total) if something really took hold of me. The closest I came was with a shelf full of very old cameras. I have one that belonged to my great-grandfather that is in the precise style as all of the ones in the shop, but definitely higher end. Still, though, to see so many was a joy.

...and I thought about my grandfather, for whom photography was a great passion. It's getting close to 20 years since he passed and I miss him greatly. I often wish that he was still here to see me on my path to medical school, and I sure could use his guidance on all things academic. He was a doctor, but not of the medical variety. Anyway, as I was turning the camera in my hands, I smiled and wondered what his reaction would be to these items...I wondered if he'd greet them with as much approval.

I took the long way home. I don't recall thinking about anything in particular, which is rather strange for me. During a study break, I thought a little about the girl I'd met yesterday. My flatmates say I should snatch her up now before someone else does, but I'd feel more than a little weird dating someone fresh out of high school. Some part of me agrees I should dive in and see what happens. Uh, the rest of me is waiting to dive in after she's above the legal drinking age. ha.

I also thought about the advice from my flatmate...he was very encouraging when he said that I shouldn't worry about failure, that I shouldn't worry about my last year of university not being outstanding, stop doubting myself, and just go for it. Since I last met with my pre-health advisor, I've been thinking a lot about his advice to stay for another year to show solid academic achievement. I really don't want to. Maybe it's foolish to ignore his advice, but I made up my mind to do just that. I feel like I'm ready. Full steam ahead!

No time was wasted whipping out the MSAR and evaluating all of the schools I'd bookmarked earlier in the year. I removed some bookmarks, added some new ones, and made an Excel sheet with all of the pertinent data on each school. I can sort it by GPA, science GPA, MCAT, etc... time well spent! I picked a half dozen schools to which I'll apply and felt more motivated than I have in a month.

Just a few minutes ago, I spoke to my grandma for the first time in a few months (ah!!). At the end of the call, she mentioned my grandpa and how he struggled and doubted himself plenty, as well. End the end, he got to where he'd wanted to go. She told me to keep my nose to the grindstone, shoulder to the wheel, and in those precise words.

After we hung up, I thought more about my grandpa, and about this morning in the antiques shop. Maybe he is witnessing all of this, and cheering me on, to boot. It's a lovely thought.

Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts. We're experiencing some unusual turbulence.

The results of each of my first exams are in and disappointed me greatly.

Molecular Biology: 62 (with the curve); Class average: 80
Genetics: 73; Class average: 84
Physics: 56; Class average: 60


I found out my molec score in the morning, genetics in the early afternoon, and the K.O. punch delivered by my physics score came in late afternoon. Absolutely devastated, I was. Worse still, I had a meeting with my pre-med adviser the next morning. I was still busy ripping myself to shreds over my poor performance, and his reaction to my plans to apply to med school this spring came across as if I'd slapped his mother. He suggests I pick up a second major and stay an extra year.

My first reaction was to resist.

My second reaction was to get a second opinion.

My third reaction was to just give the whole thing up entirely...but that only lasted a few minutes.

My fourth, and final, reaction was to just go with it. He's been doing his job for over 20 years and is highly respected by the university, as well as many physicians and representatives from medical schools in the state.

So, I have no idea what I'll pick. He gave me a list of related majors that I could easily knock out in a year, but none of them sound too terribly appealing. Maybe I'll take another minor or two instead.

Also, I decided that if I am going to be stuck in university for another year, I need to be making money. I've applied to a limited access training program for respiratory therapy, which I'll begin in the spring if I'm accepted. I'm going to take a bunch of medically relevant, easy-A classes at my university in the spring (at my adviser's suggestion), and will have loads of free time. I should be able to complete the program by December '11 and then hopefully get right to work...perhaps at Big City Hospital! I know a guy who does it part time while he's finishing his degree; also a pre-med. Good guy, probably get an in that way, along with my prior employment experience there and my current status as a volunteer.

Things are still not looking good academically, though. I can't ignore this fact. I've been seeing an expert on learning disabilities and had my first round of testing with him yesterday. Two more sessions should be sufficient to have a better understanding of what sort of problem I'm facing, and then the work will begin on working around it. That's what I'm most looking forward to...I can't wait to start making those As again.

Everlasting light

I had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of a patient yesterday who has done more than I could ever possibly imagine to make the world a better place. When I walked into the patient's room, there were people packed in like sardines...all smiling, laughing.

Went through  my usual routine, got roped into conversation, and stayed for over an hour. It was impossible to tear myself away. The amount of joy and honest-to-goodness kindness and sincerity was absolutely overwhelming.

My face hurt something fierce from smiling so much.

The whole time, I kept thinking, "YES, YES! This is precisely why I want to go into medicine!" In all of my life, and in all of the different roles I've played, I've never been so lucky as to be a part of the lives of so many wonderful people.

I also had occasion to sit with a little old lady who'd been admitted only hours earlier. She was incredibly sweet, but definitely lonely and a bit worried. I sat and talked with her for a while and had her smiling within a few minutes. To enter a room and see someone a bit shifty-eyed and panicky, and leave with them happy and laughing...yeah, it's an indescribable feeling.

Lately I've been listening to "Brothers" by The Black Keys basically non-stop. When I got into my car, the first song to play on the disc is actually the first on the record (and my favourite)... "Everlasting Light." It's really more of a love song, but it feels appropriate when applied to my new-ish role as a volunteer. I especially like the second verse.

For quite some time, I've had a lot of pent-up feelings of wanting to just pour myself into doing things for people in need, and I'm really glad I've finally hit on something that allows me to do it...and gives me the freedom to pour it on as thick as I please!



Let me be your everlasting light
Sun when there is none
I'm a shepherd for you
and I'll guide you through
Let me be your everlasting light

Let me be your everlasting light
I'll hold and never scold
In me you can confide
when no one's by your side
Let me be your everlasting light

Oh baby, can't you see
it shining just for you?
Loneliness is over
Dark days are through
They're through


Let me be your everlasting light
A train going away from pain
Love is the coal that makes this train roll
Let me be your everlasting light

Things

• Thinking of becoming an EMT for a little adventure
• Having some weirdness with a woman. I know she's interested...or was. Not sure if I am. Hm. I have no idea what is going on with my life in the romance department, to be honest.
• Practice MCAT exam in the morning...and I'm about to have a beer and watch a movie. I've been up since 5 a.m. Probably making a bad decision.

Abandoned

My dearest Nora, wherever thou mayst roam,

My heart is heavy once more, my dear, all from the plight of several patients with whom I crossed paths this weekend.

On Friday, I went with a group to an abandoned children's home to assist the nursing staff. All of the children have moderate to severe medical issues, and almost all of them showed up on the doorstep in the wee hours of the morning. What could possess a parent to do such a thing is completely beyond me.

The children were all so very sweet and excited to see all of us. There was an awful lot of laughter and smiling...the duality of the situation was a right mind-bender. Inside, I was torn to bits with sadness for these little guys who never have the chance to play ball in the park with their dad, go to the zoo with grandparents, and all of the other little things that I remember so fondly of my own childhood. Christmas, Thanksgiving... mercy. It was as if a tidal wave had struck me. Several times I caught my eyes going a little misty.

One kid in particular latched onto me. "You're my friend?" he kept asking. Each time I answered, I was a little more enthusiastic. In turn, he giggled a little more.

Despite being in a van full of cute, intelligent women on the way back home, I couldn't bring myself to say much. No one really did. The trip there was a wildly different story...I even traded numbers with one of them. Heh.

The next day at Big City Hospital, everything was really upbeat and pleasant for the first hour. I volunteered to go on many side quests for the nurses and met some lovely people along the way. The Nurse and I kidded each other a bit, and some of the techs who always tease me were in playful moods, as well. I'd not forgotten the children I'd met the day before, but I wasn't weighted down by those sad thoughts...it was their smiles and laughter that I was thinking about.

One of my favourite male nurses was working, which is always a recipe for a good time. Great sense of humour. We passed in the hallway and after a brief chat, he asked that I go visit one of his patients who was having a rather rough time of it.

I marched into all sorts of misery.

As the man was crossing a relatively tame two-lane street to his apartment complex, some soccer mom going at least 10 mph over the speed limit in her stupid SUV ran the red light and struck the poor guy. He was a pretty simple man in all meanings of the word. Hard-working, humble, man of few words... and quite lonely. Apparently, his family lives nearby, but no one had been in to visit. I can't imagine.

We talked for a little while and he asked if I'd mind sitting down and watching television with him. It was all I could do not to burst out crying. His story really got to me. He was so pleasant...how could his family practically abandon him in this way? I tried to reason that perhaps they were in a bad way financially and were unable to come because they were at their second or third jobs trying to stay afloat. I tried to think of anything.

Without making a conscious effort to do so, I went into overdrive trying to find ways to help him feel more at ease and that someone cares about him. It was another moment in the hospital in which I felt so damned helpless. I knew he appreciated what I was trying to do, but I don't feel like I broke through to him like I wanted. Ugh.

As my shift came to a close, he thanked me for spending time with him and asked if he'd see me the next day. I hated to tell him that I'm only there once a week. He seemed a little disappointed.

On the drive home, I began wondering if I should show up again for a while the next day. Maybe I'd send him a card, or some flowers, or something. Maybe anonymously. Maybe not. Undecided. I felt, and still feel, torn in two over the issue. I have a monster exam for which I'm currently insufficiently prepared and feel the need to work on rectifying that. The other side says that the exam is not nearly as important.

I think I'll think it over over a cup of tea.

May the grace of He keep you always,

J.O. Morris

Today at Big City Hospital

I walked out of Big City Hospital today with dozens of sincere "Thank you"s reverberating around in my head and feeling as though I really brought some good into the world. Furthermore, I impressed the pants off of a teaching doc by performing a simple act of courtesy.

All of this was proof that it's the simple things that oftentimes matter most.

Josiah terrorises the patients and staff at Big City Hospital

My dearest Nora, wherever thou mayst roam,

Another day as a volunteer at Big City Hospital has come to a close, and I cannot honestly tell you that I miss being an employee. The patients and nurses, for whatever reason, seem to appreciate my assistance more now that I'm doing just about the same thing but without pay...well, at least not in terms of cold, hard currency.

It was a great day....a busy day. I really enjoyed visiting with all of the patients and their families, and it felt especially wonderful to try and go above and beyond their requests to really make them comfortable. They all seemed so incredibly appreciative, and there just isn't any beating that!

There were, however, a couple of "moments" that made me squirm in one way or another. I shall detail them below:

1) While making my way around the ward visiting patients, I entered a room on the "quiet" side, where the patients who don't require as much aid are stashed. Before me, halfway between the bed and the closet was a patient...sprawled out face-first on the floor...

Oh, no. Oh, no. OH, NO!
I instantly saw the rise and fall of his back as his lungs filled and expressed air and felt a bit of relief. At least he's not dead!

Also instantaneously, I checked for consciousness..."Are you okay!?"

"...um, NO," came the response. I felt a bit silly having asked, but hey, at least I know that he's alive and alert.

I pressed the emergency button on the bedside and let the patient know help was on its way. Within 30 seconds, his nurse arrived and I practically yelled at her to get others. A few techs and nurses came running and helped him back into the bed...he seemed to be okay!

The story of precisely what happened was never relayed to me. I (unnecessarily) apologised to the nurse I'd yelled at to get help. She laughed and wondered aloud when the world of medicine was going to knock loose some of my manners.

Ever since discovering him lying helpless on the floor, I couldn't help but be gutted at the thought over how long he may have been there. The fact that he'd fallen is enough to tug at my heartstrings, but the possibility of him having been down there for 20-30 minutes is very real and very upsetting. Wow.

2) I was given an item to return to the nurse's station on  another floor, a task I've successfully carried out many a time in the past. When I got off of the elevator, I thought the scenery seemed a bit different... I hadn't been on that floor in a while and I knew that there'd been some remodeling going on throughout the hospital, so I chalked it up to that.

Yeah, as I approached the nurse's station, I had a greater fear that I'd come to the wrong place... but I was stuck. No possible way to get out of this without any embarrassment. I told the nurse that asked what she could do for me that I must've gotten off on the wrong floor...another nurse called my ward and asked where I was supposed to go before I even knew what she was doing.

Oh, God, NO!

The ward clerk that was working is one of the ones who doesn't seem to have too high an opinion of me. Fantastic. It seems like anytime she's around, I just can't make an impression of any sort of intellectual ability. UGH.

When I got back, I just didn't say anything...and went and hung out one of the friendlier patients and their family for a bit. heh. I needed something uplifting.

3) On one of my many elevator trips, the doors flung open to reveal a man and his son inside. I told him to which floor I was headed, and he remarked, "Ah, the top of the line, huh?" as it is the highest floor in the joint. "Yessir," I said with a comical tone, "if you're going to jump, that's the floor to do it from!"

He did not see the humour in it.

Shock, horror, embarrassement. I felt my face turn bright, bright red.

The man said, "Oh, no. I'm not jumping!"

I didn't say anything for a second, kind of marveling at the stupidity of what had just come from my mouth..."Oh, no, sir...I didn't mean..."

He kind of laughed a little, but it was a polite laugh, and stepped off of the elevator.

I am the king of creating awkward situations. I immediately cracked up laughing when the doors closed. Only me. This could only happen to me.

It's fine to joke with the patients and visitors, but steer clear of the morbid kind of humour! I really shouldn't have needed reminding.

Can't wait to see what foolish things I wind up doing next week!

May the grace of He keep you always,

J.O. Morris

Josiah and the nurse practioner

I made it to (and through) my lab this morning, but couldn't take the pain of my sore rubbing against my bandage. I, of course, had to park fourteen and three-quarters miles from my class (How does the parking lot fill up at 7:30 a.m.!?). It took me nearly 15 minutes to hobble to my car. I'm sure it was quite a sight.

I whipped off my pants in a careful frenzy. I noticed the pink which encircles the area of irritation had expanded. Also, the area immediately surrounding the wound looked a little like it was bruised. I began to wonder if the tissue was dying.

With some reluctance, I scheduled an afternoon appointment at a family practice just down the road. I psyched myself up for the absolute worst outcome, bandaged up my leg for the trip, and off I went.

First of all, everyone in the office (and I mean, everyone) was extraordinarily nice. The nurse who led me back to the exam room was not only pleasant, but quite lovely. She complimented me on my bandaging skill, and when I mentioned that I'm hoping to make that my life's work, she enthusiastically stated that I'm on the right path. Ha, I knew she was just saying that sort of thing to be nice, but it felt good to hear, anyway.

When the NP came in, she, too, was very pretty! With her was a student from my university, whose brother is in my major. Both of them were incredibly nice and supportive of my aspirations, as well as being impressed with my medical knowledge as it relates to my present condition...not that it's anything at all very difficult, but hey.

Luckily, I did not have to go under the knife! She put me on clindamycin (300 mg, 4x daily) and said I should apply a warm compress several times a day. If this still does not resolve the issue, I'm to go back and get diced up.

...as much as I don't want that, I sure wouldn't mind seeing that nurse who took my vitals and whatnot again. hehe.

So now, I'm sort of nervously awaiting the intestinal discomfort that may come as a result of this medication. She was going to give me doxycycline, but relayed that info after she decided on clindamycin. I took doxycycline years ago and it absolutely destroyed me. In a gentlemanly way, I expressed this to her, as well as my thanks for not making me take it again. haha

I heard the MD who owns the practice milling about, talking to his staff and patients as I waited for the NP to come in initially. He, too, was extraordinarily friendly! I've never been to a physician's office where everyone seemed so happy and so kind to the patients. I may have just found a new PCP! I hate to have to ditch my old one, but since he's about an hour away...

In other news, I have my meeting with someone in the counseling center about ADHD in the morning, directly after my a.m. class. I hope my discomfort is minimal. My class and the office in which my meeting will take place are a long haul from the parking lot. heh

And so the saga continues...

Josiah and the abscess

Saturday morning greeted me with some slight discomfort behind my knee. Upon examination, I saw a small, red, raised bump. I thought that perhaps it was a pimple, although sort of a weird place for one to appear. It's happened before, so I wasn't too concerned.

As the day progressed, especially in the evening, it was irritating me a fair bit more. On Sunday morning, it was bigger and a little redder, with some pinkish colouration encircling it. Maybe it's some sort of bite? Whatever it was, I was not going to let it stop me from playing a round of golf (beat my best score by 8 strokes, by the way).

By Sunday night, I was in some agony...and wearing long pants...without anything between my source of pain and the pant material. I stopped into a drugstore and bought some Neosporin with pain reliever, some gauze, etc. and bandaged myself up.

The sore in question didn't seem to get any larger today, but it has become a darker red...and the diameter of the surrounding pink circle has grown a little. It's not too terribly sore if nothing touches it and I can walk pretty well (like 90%), so I'm using this (against my better judgement) as reason for not visiting a physician over the matter.

I went and did some research online, first with the idea that what I have is some sort of bug bite. None of the pictures I found really tended to match up very well. I eventually hit on abscesses, and this seems to be the closest match, although I'm not entirely sure.

Like a damned fool, I went and looked up how abscesses are treated.

                                                                                 
                                            +

                                                  =

My tolerance for pain is minimal, I'm not ashamed to admit. Oh, please let it be something that resolves spontaneously!

...not my kind of luck. Will probably go in tomorrow if there's no improvement.

gulp.

Josiah the volunteer

...got to observe all sorts of procedures, most exciting of which was a stroke assessment. Afterwords, the nurse who'd performed it went over the findings with me outside of the room and asked me how I'd rate certain aspects according to the provided scale. Also, we went to a computer and pulled up the CT and MRI images. There was one image in the MRI series that looked a lot like something from ERP's blog and I got all kinds of excited when I saw it.

I knew precisely where the problem was...

...and as I was thinking this, the nurse asked me if I could point it out! Heck yes, I can. Without a second of hesitation I pointed to a bright white spot and said, "There!" He was quite impressed and I felt on top of the world.

It was one of the better days I've had at Big City Hospital. This week I'd been having some doubts as to whether I'd made the right decision in quitting my job and becoming a volunteer, but all of that doubt was erased within an hour of turning up. Very much looking forward to what lies in wait!

Feels like starting over

My dearest Nora, wherever thou mayst roam,

This week marked my last day as an employee of Big City Hospital. Not much else to say, except that I start tomorrow as a volunteer. I'll be in the same department and everything, so the change isn't going to be too terribly apparent. The exclusion of a paycheck isn't so hot, but massively shorter hours and less responsibility (freeing me up to witness procedures and such) sounds lovely.

Having completed my first week of classes, I feel a bit exhausted physically and mentally. My molecular biology class is downright devilish, but alarmingly interesting. Never thought I'd live to see the day something like that came from my lips. Microbiology was always a bit more my speed. Hm!

One startling bit of news was delivered this week. I'd written an email to a medical student in which I, among other things, talked about how my university career is going so far (not good enough to get into medical school). I listed a number of factors that I feel contributed to my poor showing, and expressed a little frustration that I'd worked like a dog in some classes but still failed to produce an A or a B. The response I received knocked me for a loop.

She said that I expressed a lot of characteristics of having ADHD. She knows, because she has it.

I was skeptical at first. As we discussed the matter further, I began to see it as a real possibility. A lot of things certainly match up. I got a little excited, realising that this could be the starting point for a new direction in my life. I certainly know I have the intelligence and the potential to do well, but I've been having a hard time following through with it in recent years. With a little help, I could realise my potential and who knows how far I'd go.

With a bit of fear, a bit of embarrassment, and a bit of eagerness, I went to the university counseling center and scheduled an appointment to talk with someone about this and to see if I can go through a proper evaluation and such.

Even if I haven't got ADHD, I do have some sort of problem that needs sorting out, and I feel like I'm reclaiming a little of my life with this first step.

Who'd have ever seen that coming?

May the grace of He keep you always,

J.O. Morris

The psychology behind getting rip-roarin' drunk

In times of extreme emotional instability, while not the healthiest avenue down which to travel by any means, I can understand why someone would drink themselves stupid. Furthermore, I can also understand someone with little to no experience with alcohol drinking far too much, as they haven't got any feel for their limitations.

What I do not understand, at all, is why people (especially groups of guys) want to congregate and drink until the point of passing out...or why they plan these events with such enthusiasm. Bro, we're going to get soooo waaaasted!

 Logically, incapacitating oneself so severely should be among the last items on life's to-do list.

Some of ERP's latest blog entries deal with "partying" (a name for that activity that I always found to be so cheesy and silly-sounding), and Party Boy II made a comment to Party Boy I on Facebook about them getting all effed up when they reunite over Christmas break, which brought this on. It's something that I think about from time to time, but this holy collection of events all but told me that this post needed to be made.

Having a few drinks and getting silly is one thing (and an enjoyable thing, at that), but to take it to such an extreme... I never have understood.

I must admit that I am grateful for that behaviour on some level, though. It sure makes for great med blog posts.

There comes a time

My  dearest Nora, wherever thou mayst roam,

My return to Big City Hospital has been better than I thought it would be, but the magic and the excitement and my desire to be there as an employee have all slipped out through the back and are waiting for me to catch up in some destination unknown. Consider my two weeks notice to have been formally submitted.

Perhaps it's a mistake, and one that I'll regret greatly in the coming months and years, but this is what my heart says to do.

Some of the nurses weren't too happy, most didn't care (or didn't have time to). The idea of coming back as a volunteer was suggested by a few of them. I might do that...stay in the hospital environment, but only for a few hours one day a week. This will free up plenty of time to focus on my studies, decrease my overall stress level, and afford me the opportunity to still spend time with the nurses with whom I've forged a bit of a friendship.

We'll see. I'm still back and forth on having a medical career, and to what capacity.

Also, those who oversaw my management of the event I failed to organise all approached me recently and asked that I give it another go, but with several months extra to work on it. The realisation that the event would not be anything near the capacity to which I'd aspired was a crushing blow several months ago. Things have changed and I don't know if I feel the same passion for some particular areas of the project. I want to go through with it, but I don't know if I'll have the kind of people I need to  make happen.

Furthermore, Old Flame's wedding is almost here. My desire to go is slightly above my desire to wake and find a bald spot upon my head. She's my friend, I'm happy, etc...but ahh. It could've been us. I'm glad that it isn't...yes, finally glad... but ahh. Plus, her family members make me squirm with their high society airs. I guess the upside is that there will be plenty of women around and I'm at my best in a suit and tie. Ah, I don't know.

That's what it comes down to, all over again.

I just don't know.

I just need a little hint of what I should be doing, what decisions I should be making, what I should focus on and what I should let fall to the side.

Maybe I don't need any of that. Maybe what I need is to shut up, keep my eyes open, and press on.

May the grace of He keep you always,

J.O. Morris

Lessons in Medicine, Act III

To recap where we've been:

Act I: Worship the nursing staff

I learned this well before ever entering the hospital environment, thanks to the blogs I follow. I feel confident that I'd have learned this on my own, but it's good to be prepared in advance.

Act II: Know everything

Simple enough. Be on top of your game. For me at this point, this entails just minor knowledge of the conditions of certain patients, but mostly the whereabouts and general goings-on for the nursing staff and doctors who parade through Comes in handy when you're answering phones. heh

And, without further ado...

Act III: Use your common sense

So far this week, I've seen a number of examples of how plain ol' common sense can play a tremendous role in patient care. To be perfectly honest, I'm having a terrible time trying to verbalise this point. It just goes without saying, similar to how one knows how to breathe. You just know. Err, well, you know what I mean.

A confused, mumbling elderly person who'd been pretty lucid previously probably needs to be looked at. Dizziness, nausea, and seemingly unquenchable thirst won't be resolved by dumping more Pepsi down your throat. Again with the nausea; a patient who can't keep anything down probably shouldn't be given pills to be swallowed.

On and on and on it went. Sometimes I wonder how we've survived this long. haha.

It's such a perfect day

My dearest Nora, wherever thou mayst roam,

Upon waking this morning, I took to running, skipping, hopping, and ecstatically moving all over the flat. I even stood there, silently, admiring the place for several minutes. Excitement swept over me as I thought about purchasing a classically-styled wall clock, a nice floor lamp, and some other little bits and pieces to add a touch of character. Ooooh, I could even haul out my record player and show off my impressive jazz collection to several close friends. Some of them have never seen the place!

The possibilities sweeping through my head were exciting and endless. The realisation set in that, in two weeks, three new flatmates will have arrived to spend a year and that at least one of them might be sloppy. Sort of put a damper on my festivities, but I quickly brushed that aside to enjoy the moment and reassure myself that nobody could be as bad as Party Boy.

Pharmacology and I parted ways this afternoon. Overall, I was really disappointed at the shallowness of the material...the book seemed as if it were written for high school students. The biggest tragedy was the last chapter, and the one for which I'd been so excited all term: Neurological Disorders. I was expecting some good info on Parkinson's and dementia, but instead, received only 3/4 of a page for each. The majority of the chapter had to do with blasted headaches and those confounded seizures. Booooooooooring. Ah, should've known better. Now that I'm thinking about it, there wasn't even the slightest mention of neuropathy. To think!

My pharmacology book was a rental and was due back by 5 p.m. Seeing as how the bookstore is in relatively close proximity, I reckoned I could spend the afternoon watching a little golf before I subjected myself to the unbearable heat of summer.

4:30 arrived before I knew it and it was out of the flat with me. I dragged an armful of books with me to the car and started it up... but there was a bit of hesitation before the engine cranked up. Hmm, that's not good. I turned the car off and waited a minute or two. Upon trying to start it up again, I was greeted with a rapid clicking sound from the dashboard...nothing from the engine.

Stupendous.

I know a great deal about automobiles. I'm so good (HOW GOOD ARE YOU!?), I'm so good that I can look at a car's headlights and tell you...exactly which way it's going. Thank, Mitch Hedberg, for the joke.

As I was saying, I know next to nothing about automobiles. I did, however, find that I knew enough to realise the battery was kaput. I phoned in for help at 4:40 p.m. Next, I phoned the bookstore to tell them of my tale of woe. The gentleman politely told me that he was sorry about my luck, but that if the book was not back by 5, I'd be charged late fees. Nothing anyone can do about that, so, there you have it. I thanked him for his time and disconnected. It took but one phone call to find a place nearby that could get me set with a new battery in under 10 minutes. Great!

At 15 minutes past 5 p.m. (nearing the expected arrival time of The Man With The Jumper Cables, everything capitalised), the bookstore phone and said that they'd be open a little later and that I could drop it off without charge until 5:45. I told them I was still waiting for assistance and then had to get a new battery, but I'd do my absolute best to be there before they shut the doors.

Help arrived at 5:40 p.m. Furthermore, I had to stand near my car in the heat for precisely an hour. Not only that, but it began to rain as The Man began to dissolve mountains 10 km high of corrosion crusts from the battery terminals. Perfect.

Ordinarily, I'd have been fuming mad. There's another situation which I won't go into that required my presence. I wanted to be there, as well. With all of this, however, it was looking like an impossible task. But yes, I decided to just throw my hands up and surrender to the circumstances I'd been dealt.

I'm so glad that I did.

The Man was rather friendly and we had a good conversation as he resurrected, however temporarily, my car's battery. I got the feeling, a feeling I don't often get, that he was a good and honest man through and through. A thousand utterances of thanks were delivered, and received well, as we parted ways.

The automobile service joint is, at least from what I remembered, right off of one of the main roads near the university. As I approached where I thought it was, I felt my phone vibrate. I'd missed a call and whomever it was had left a voicemail. I listened to it without checking the number of the caller.

It was the bookstore.

The time, it was nearly 6 p.m. The same guy I'd dealt with earlier said that they'd just closed and were sorry that I hadn't made it in time.

...BUT, as long as I could drag my carcass in there when they first open tomorrow, I can avoid being charged anything extra.

It was a beautiful moment for me. The money, ehh, even though I haven't got it (hurry up, financial aid!), isn't was bothered me. It was the situation. Another situation in which I find myself at the receiving end of a solid blow to the kisser, as they used to say. This, too, I resigned myself to and went about my business. To hear, however, that someone was going to cut me a break... cut me a break...really made me feel incredibly thankful! I tried to phone them back to thank them, but there was no answer. I'll arrive in the morning with chilled bottles of champagne, then. heh.

There were two university-aged guys in the auto store (which, by the way, was nowhere near where I'd thought)...and once more, I found myself in the company of friendly, talkative people. We laughed about how much we'd each paid for books for the coming year, and I spread to them the gospel of e-books via torrents and such. The younger guy, just starting out his college career, was beyond thrilled to find that he could return one of his brand-new, unopened books and take back his hard-earned $170-something. I was glad to have been a part of that moment. haha.

The changing of the battery was, of course, swift. The conversation as it was switched was lively and ended with the both of us wishing each other the best of luck in the upcoming year.

The situation in which I wanted to become involved had been canceled, so there was nothing left to do but go back to my lovely flat and do, for the first time since May, precisely as I wanted! I cooked a nice dinner and as I was sipping away at my Yorkshire Tea, my phone buzzed.

Miss South America returned today. She was on my committee for the project that failed, and I'm rather sure that she fancies me a bit. I wasn't too interested, being all swept up with The Nurse and everything at the time... but now that I'm off of that, and sort of in limbo with the lovely shy girl from lab, I realised that I thought of her frequently while she was away. Our conversation ended with me asking her to visit before classes begin. She agreed, but then took off on me... probably chased her off somehow. Ha.

Things are just lovely, all the way around. I can't believe my luck to be experiencing such joy so shortly after being such a miserable wreck. That much sweeter.

I'm off to watch a film on Netflix before bed. Haven't seen a film all the way through in a while. Nice treat, with a glass of Newcastle to accent it!

May the grace of He keep you always,

J.O. Morris