Still struggling mightily with focusing on the positives things in life and downplaying the negatives... I don't know why, as the positives exceed the negatives by a wide margin.

I've been working on starting and ending each day putting myself in a peaceful state and making a list of five pleasant things in my life. I'm usually good for an hour or two in the morning, until I let one thing or another wreck it all. It's almost like I jump at the chance to be negative.

I got very jealous when some of my friends announced their acceptance into various medical schools. I don't really feel the life of an MD is the one for me anymore, but I'm somehow using it as a measure of accomplishment. I'm tremendously happy for them, don't get me wrong!

I have tried to examine the things I truly want and hope for and have compiled the following list. If I can accomplish these, I'll feel pretty good about things.

1. Marry the love of my life
2. Produce a few children
3. Golf every weekend, especially with my kids when they're old enough
4. Take my grandkids golfing often
5. Celebrate my 50-year wedding anniversary

And there you have it.

Halfway through another semester and I can hardly believe it. Soon, fall term will be rolling around again, and aside from biochem i&ii looming on the horizon, I'm pretty excited. There are some wonderful electives being offered and I'm thankful for the opportunity to take them!

Not sure if I've made mention of it in the past, but for most of last term and half of this one, I'd been seeing a therapist. It started out trying to cope with the academic issues I was facing and turned into a whole examination of my life. I've learned a lot, and am learning even more now that I've made the transition to group therapy. It's crazy. I actually really enjoy it and leave each time feeling like a million bucks.

One of the best things that has happened as a result of my seeking therapy is that I'm, for the very first time in my 28 years, exploring my self-worth. It's always been dependent on the reaction of others to me, but now I'm seeing that it's got to come from within.

Using this new-found love for myself, I hope to be better able to deal with the inevitable failures and hard times that lie ahead. All I've known to do until this point is to be hard on myself about whatever misfortune I was experiencing. I think this change will lead to a happier, less stressful existence. My relationships with others will surely benefit, and I'm very excited for that, as well.

There have been some young ladies in my life recently... Two simultaneously, to be specific. Heavy flirtation with both, but no dates... Yet. I like one better than the other, partly to do with physical appearance. She has blue eyes like you would not believe. The other woman is someone with whom I come into contact more frequently. She feels like the safer choice in a way, as in possibly more of the kind of girl for the long haul. I should be all over that. That's what I want... But I'm a little scared. Also a little excited by the relative air of excitement from the other one. Hmm.

Spring break is days away. Golfing will take priority over everything. Can't wait.

Hopefully I'll get back in the routine of this again and have a lot of good things to speak of. Time will tell!

Reemergence

Hello again, world.

I spent my entire vacation barely thinking about academics and it felt so. incredibly. good. Whereas once I'd planned to spend the break slaving away for the MCAT, I instead found myself golfing often and at some beautiful courses that were brand-new to me. For the first 9 holes at one course, I was on track to break 80! I ended up falling back into terrible form on the back 9 and shot high 90s/low 100s. I also had my first hole-out, and it was out of a bunker from maybe 20 yards away!

I spent a week at my mom and step-dad's, almost every day of which was filled with highly enjoyable times with  my mom. I hadn't realised exactly how much I'd been missing her since coming to Big City University. It was amazing and I've spent each day since wishing I could go back and do it all over again. I sure do love my mama.

The time away from my flatmates was wonderful. One of the grad students had been driving me completely up the wall...unfortunately, we were only two or three weeks apart. Not nearly enough.  It never is. After less than a month since his return, I'm sickened at the sound of his laugh. Can you imagine, to be sickened at the sound of laughter? It's a disgraceful set of circumstances and I'm trying desperately to put a positive spin on it. Ugh, bottom line is, I absolutely cannot wait to have a place of my own. Just another year and a half... another year and a half...

I didn't see my friends back home once during the entire break, and this was a point of disappointment and sadness...especially bad was New Year's Eve. All day I'd been going through old VHS tapes with my mom, trying to figure out which were worth keeping. There were some old home movies from when I was a little kid...I was taken aback by how much my parents loved me and the things they did for me. That had me feeling a bit emotional, and then when I realised how happily my parents were getting along, I really had a hard time of it. I miss my parents being together. I miss my dad. I miss my dad a lot. I hardly get to talk to him and see him even less. A terrible wave of sadness crashed all around me.

I tried to contact my friends back home to hang out and get my mind off of all of this, but none of them answered my calls or texts...until 7 or 8 p.m., which was a bit too late to hit the road to see them. There had been a bit of an emergency earlier in the day and had only just then been sorted out. Understandable, but obviously disappointing.

The longer I sat there, the more I thought about my dad and how he must feel he's been viewed since the divorce. I felt absolutely awful. I began to feel awful for all of the unpleasant things I may have said to him in my youth. I felt awful about how things have panned out in his life since the divorce. I just felt awful and wanted to talk to him and tell him I love him. So I called, and I nearly cried at the sound of his voice. It was exactly the same as it was on the VHS tapes from over 20 years ago. Several times throughout the course of the conversation I was nearly reduced to tears, for no reason that he could possibly have detected. I tried to set up a time we could get together and hang out, but he was kind of wishy-washy about it. He did agree that we need to go golfing together sometime, though. I became extremely pleased with this prospect. We talked for a while longer, and when we hung up, I felt a bit better than before I called.

The rest of New Year's Eve was spent in the guest room at my mom's playing some video game and falling asleep before midnight. Hooray.

I haven't really shaken that sadness that I came upon on New Year's Eve. Like I said, I miss my parents, I miss my sister, I miss things they way they used to be... well, for the most part. I've also been really struggling with feeling like I've let my parents down by not applying to medical school this year. I know they'd be proud of me no matter what I did, but I wanted them to be really proud of me. It all goes back to feeling like a failure. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to amount to anything. I know that's not true completely, but for the things that really matter to me...

Ugh. Just ugh. I feel so incredibly sad. I never see my friends, hardly see my family, don't have a woman to love, don't have any money, don't have, don't have, don't have. I just want to go back to being a newborn and start all over, armed with the knowledge I have now. Boy, I sure would make the most of all those years at home with my parents. I'd make the most of a lot of things.

In happier news, my classes this term are going well and I like them all. B's should be easily within reach across the board. After this term, I just have summer classes and then the next academic year before graduation. The end is so, so close. It's going to feel so good to be finished (at long last) and look toward my next goal...especially when I'm doing it from the comfort of my own quiet and clean place.

This wasn't mean to be as depressing as it turned out to be, but I guess these were things that I had to get off of my chest. Can't say as though I feel much better having done so, and I've a mind to delete it all, but in the interest of creating a history to look back upon, it stays.

Rebound

Still feeling pretty upset about my academic situation, but at least I've been honest with myself this morning and accepted the fact that I knew it going to come to this for a while now. I was just in denial.

I've seriously explored changing my major. Again. Biology was never my strong suit and I don't know what possessed me to select a course of study that deals with its many intricacies. The only problem is that if I jump ship on my current degree, I'm essentially starting all over no matter what I pick. I can't afford (financially or emotionally) to start over, so I'm stuck.

Trying to accept the fact that I might fail one of my required courses. I can take it in the spring, but I don't know when I can take the second half of it...which means I might be in school an extra semester. Again, can't really afford it.

So, in a few minutes, I'm going to devote every waking hour to revision for that terrible class and pray that I make a high enough grade to scrape by. My, my. How my standards have fallen.

With the possibility of getting into medical school being equivalent to the likelihood of a white Christmas, I'm trying to refocus on a new target. PA school has always been second in line. I stand a fair chance for acceptance there, especially with good GRE scores. Maybe medical school can come later...if at all.

Other than that, however, I'm stumped. Graduate school isn't as appealing as it once was...perhaps with another area of focus, but certainly not this garbage.

This is a terrible position for someone like me to be in. I see doors closing left and right. The worst part about all of it is that I know I'm capable, and have demonstrated it time and time again in the past. The current run of things, however, leads any observer to believe quite the opposite.

Maybe I shouldn't worry about it anymore. Maybe I should just do what I can and see how things turn out, basically leaving it up to chance. Might be less stressful than what I've been doing.

At any rate, I'm going to hole up for the next 4 days, arming myself to the teeth with pointless knowledge to regurgitate in exchange for passing grades. Then, a whole month to relax and refocus.

Moving forward, moving on.

Good News, Bad News

Good news: I'll have my entire Christmas break to do with as I please. No MCAT prep!

Bad news: ...this means no medical school for me! I don't even think a school in the Caribbean would take me.

Back to square one. What the hell am I going to do with my life? I'm sick and tired of my major. I'm sick and tired of not performing at the level that I know that I can.

Sick and tired. Done. I'm done with it.

Changes

Yesterday, despite today's exam hanging over my head, was one of the nicest days I've had in recent memory. In between studying, I found time to watch two films with my favourite of this year's flatmates. We later had a conversation lasting several hours that was full of all kinds of 90s nostalgia.

Before I went to bed, the urge to listen to Hootie & the Blowfish overwhelmed me. It rather came out of nowhere, and I very nearly side-stepped indulging myself.

So glad I went through with it.

I looked up "Only Wanna Be With You" on Youtube and remembered watching the goofy video when it was all the rage on MTV years and years ago. It's actually a nice little song, and I don't care what anybody says. There was a link to "Hold My Hand," which was my favourite of their songs... as I was listening to it, I thought a lot about the negative, judgemental, and stifled way with which I've conducted myself since my mid-teens, especially as it relates to any form of art. I'm a terrible film snob, and pretty snobby about music and television, as well.

I can't really help that I prefer my entertainment to, on the whole, be challenging and engaging...but I sure can help flat-out refusing to look for the good in mindless entertainment, and I think I'll be a happier person overall for it.

So, today, I decided I'd either dig out my old Hootie CDs (still have them somewhere) or just download them. Ended up going to download them. I entered the band name in the search bar of my favourite pirating system and the first result was called something like "Top 250 Hits of the 90s." Hmm. I read through the song list and saw a bunch of songs I haven't heard in years...even music I would be embarrassed to be caught listening to now. Or, at least, would've been embarrassed to be listening to before yesterday.

It's fantastic. I'm 30-something songs into it and am listening to Counting Crows - "Mr. Jones" at the moment. I always had something against the song for some reason, but I'm enjoying it now! Other highlights that made me smile:

Seal - "Kiss From A Rose"
Everything But The Girl - "Missing"
Boyz II Men - "Water Runs Dry"
Suzanne Vega - "Tom's Diner"
Dishwalla - "Counting Blue Cars"

All of these songs are bringing back some great memories!

I watched the Karate Kid remake tonight and really had to fight to not rip it to shreds. First of all, having grown up watching the originals, I'm naturally biased against a remake. The one thing I couldn't get over was the film's title... there was no karate! The acting was generally pretty terrible... BUT! I did find some enjoyment in the fight scenes and liked the music the little girl played. One of my flatmates commented that it'd have been one of his favourite movies had he seen it when he was 8 or 9. I viewed it from that perspective, and sure, I can see it. That helped put a positive spin on the overall experience.

This won't be easy for me anytime soon, but I'm tired of being an outsider of sorts. I gave "House" a shot a little while ago, but ahhh, the guy's too big of a jerk for my taste. Immediately following it, however, I let myself laugh at Family Guy which was almost like Jesus coming back and announcing that God doesn't exist. Shocking. Terribly shocking.

All of this is kind of a personal fix for my anxiety issues. I don't reckon it could hurt. haha!

Exam season

...begins now!

I have one this Thursday, one next Monday, and then another the following Monday. Finals start precisely one week from my last regular exam. I've got one per day Monday - Thursday...and then freedom!

The speed with which this term has passed is beyond my comprehension at this point. Perhaps it's that whole "the closer to the end, the faster it goes" idea so commonly used as a point of common ground between life and toilet paper.

Ah, the results of my ADHD testing are in:

It isn't ADHD, but anxiety. My psychologist has formulated a plan to help me sidestep this business and get back to making A's again. I'm incredibly hopeful and feel that the hardest part of the process is now over. Sure, I'm going to fight with it and will fail often, but I'll be winning more battles than I am presently.

In other news, it seems like I've been catching the eye of a few young women lately...becoming a daily occurrence. Today, a woman was flat-out staring at me as I walked by. She was pretty attractive. I just didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound cheesy. "Hi," probably would have worked. I'll have to keep that in mind.

Football (proper football...soccer) is going along nicely! My teams are doing alright. Sweden vs. Germany tomorrow! Hopefully I'll get a chance to watch it, or download it later. Still have the Stoke City vs. Liverpool game from Saturday to watch. Pulling for Stoke City.

Back to the books it is for me.